This morning, my 8-month old daughter reached both arms towards her wonderful nanny when she arrived as if to invite a hug. She has never done that to me before. I then gave her a kiss goodbye while her focus remained on the nanny. Then I left for work.
The rest of the day my heart was broken.
I've been back at work for about 4 months and this was the hardest morning. Harder than that first day back. It was the first time I realized that my daughter could possibly love the nanny more than me, her own mother. Now I know intellectually, that this is unlikely true. I'm her mom. I'm the source of her milk. More than that, she enjoys being with me and giggles when we play. But emotionally, I can't help but doubt the connection.
I have found myself actually counting the number of awake hours she spends with me versus the nanny. It's close, but I win.
Being a working mom is not easy. There are many days where I am so happy to be at work. I am energized by the challenge and through talking with colleagues and clients. And bonus: I have a job that actually encourages me to work out.
Then there are days like today.
Every day will be different and I am sure this will never get easier. I am currently giving a long and sincere air hug to all the working moms out there.